In this post I share
How I allowed fear to take away my dream of becoming a veterinary
How I allowed fear to take away my dream of becoming a professional artist
How I allowed fear to take away my dream of becoming a professional dancer
And the lessons I learned throughout the experiences
Introduction
Living unsure about what your purpose is in life can make one feel confused, frustrated and unmotivated. I speak about this from my own experience. When I was a young boy, I believed that by the age of 25 I would be living out my life's purpose. I believed that purpose was to be married, own a big one-family house with a big backyard, a stay-at-home-wife, two golden retrievers, at least two kids, and a successful career as a lawyer. In this reality, my salary would allow me to pay for all of the expenses and bill, but also have enough to constantly vacation with my family. However, I learned way before 25 that what I just explained was not a purpose but the traditional version of the American dream meant for some and excluded for others. This reality was given to me by my parents who were born in the Dominican Republic and unaware of what that dream really meant, nonetheless, they meant well. In my journey to make the American dream, my life's purpose placed me into a fast lane of confusion for numerous years.
I often feel as if I am still drifting but as I take the time to relearn my values, personal wants, interest, and my own idea of a dream, I am quickly coming off it. This is the first time I also open up to the public, family, and friends of struggling with this purposeless mind-state.
This series was created to share some of the lessons I learned over time navigating school, growing up, my relationships with no goals, or definite aim, and how this mind state impacted me through it all. Some of these experiences I'll share include lessons I learned in aimless fighting, playing tokenism in career spaces, figuring out why I allowed fear to kill my dreams, and a heartbreak that had once eroded much of my trust. The purpose of this series is to tell you that regardless of the circumstances, there is a silver lining and that despite how you might, even if feeling as though you have no purpose, that there is a purpose even in that.
MY FIRST DREAM: To Become a Veterinary
At 8 years old, I was very sensitive to animals. I lived in Massachusetts and we had two dogs with the most basic names, Max and Lassy. My brother and I treated those dogs like royalty. They would sleep on the bed and feed them cooked meals. My mother didn't like them on the bed, however, because she was born and raised in the Dominican Republic (DR), and in DR animals were kept outside and were fed only the leftover scraps.
Between having to clean after them and medical bills, my mother quickly grew annoyed with the dogs and gave them away to my old babysitter. Even though it wasn’t the babysitter's fault, I was angry at her and with my mom for a little while! My mother knowing how upset my brother and I were, decided to get us two beautiful cockatiel birds. One of them was fully coated with yellow feathers and the other fully grey. They both had cute little red circles nearby their eyes. Both birds were sweet, affectionate and I immediately became attached to them. One of their favorite things to do was to climb up to our shoulders and just sit there. Just watching them use their beaks to bite tiny parts of my shirt for grip as they climbed up made me happy.
One day when I returned back home from elementary school, my mother told me that the grey cockatiel bird had somehow escaped. I immediately panicked and ran outside to search for him. My brother and I searched all day around my neighborhood, but our search was unsuccessful. I was devastated and cried for hours. A few years later, the yellow one went missing, too. Because of the time span, I had this one for, losing him felt like losing a relative. I cried for days. A couple of months after the incident and my parents got us two new birds that were the same colors, but it wasn’t the same. They were both angry birds that preferred to stay in their cages and bite any finger close to them even if we were trying to open the cages to feed them. In a very short time, we made a family decision to give them away.
I loved the pets I had and wanting to protect them and other people's pets gave birth to my first dream, to become a veterinarian. I started to watch Animal Planet often to educate myself on the biology, anatomy, and behaviors of animals. One of my favorite shows on Animal Planet was The Most Extreme. The Most Extreme is a five-season documentary that ranked animals from 1-10 on specific categories; for example, the top 10 fastest animals or top 10 most venomous animals found in South America. I was fascinated by the uniqueness of animals.
I learned a lot about animals over the years but I was still unaware of the practical functions of being a vet. For instance, I completely overlooked one key function… animal operation. In retrospect, I am not sure if that career choice was the right one since seeing blood, organs and the inner part of anything creep me out.
MY FATHER'S DREAM For Me: Become A Pro Baseball Player
When I lived in Lynn, Massachusetts my parents were together. My father is a big baseball fan -- he's a huge Red Sox fan. My dad was a part of the local adult leagues and he would often bring me and my older brother, Leo, to watch him play. We would also go over to friends' and families' houses to watch the games and play dominoes.
I was the opposite of my father when it came to baseball because I personally found it boring. From all of the American sports, baseball to me is still the least entertaining. But watching or playing baseball are the only activities that I can remember spending quality time with my dad. We’d go to the little league fields on the weekend to practice catching, batting, and run drills. I was extremely good at the sport. I played first and third base and all outfield positions. At practices, my dad would try motivating me by telling me about the potential millions I could make if I took the sport seriously and became a pro. I was also taller than most of my peers and eating rice, bean, and chicken every day at home kept me strong and chunky, and that made me a heavy hitter. Regardless, I still had no interest in the sport itself and I already knew that baseball was not my passion and the moment I had the freedom to drop it, I would and I did.
My Second Dream: To become A Cartoon Artist
If I wasn’t watching the animal planet or doing something baseball-related with my dad, then you would find me watching anime and cartoons. Today I am well past my twenties but I still enjoy watching them. What I like about anime are relatable storylines and what lessons you can learn from them. For example, one of my favorite animes is called Akame ga Kill (Japanese anime). The shows about 13 well-trained fighters who came together to take down their corrupted government that was killing and robbing innocent citizens. Just think for a moment how realistic that premise is. In fact, we know of countries that have been liberated from their governments by the hands of the frustrated public, freedom fighters, militia groups, and so on.
I remember waking up every Saturday at 7 am to watch new cartoon episodes of my favorite shows on Kids' Warner Brother (WB). I’m sure most of the 90’s babies know exactly what I’m talking about! After the program, I would immediately try drawing them because I had no other reference to draw what I saw since it was pre-internet days. Because of that, drawing quickly became my to-go-to outlet to express myself. What I loved the most about drawing was creating my own storyline and the creative freedom that came with it. With each drawing, I felt like I was bringing out all the closed-off thoughts I put away and that helped me clear out clutters of thoughts which in turn helped me reduce my anxieties. So for me, as much as it was a creative outlet, it was also mental health support.
I drew on everything and everywhere. I would create new cartoons whenever I got bored in the classrooms and sketch them all over my assignments and textbooks. Once I got really good at drawing human characters, I began sketching nature, animals, office supplies, and random objects. After a while, I became extremely good at the craft and thought about how much I would enjoy doing this forever. I thought about how much joy I can bring to the world and myself through art, specifically, I wanted to do this by creating a new cartoon show and teaching others how to be artists.
Unfortunately, those thoughts were quickly buried when the noise of becoming a lawyer or baseball player to achieve “true success” flooded back into my mind. I was in middle school when I allowed my art dreams to phase out. That is because around this time I began to develop a desire for fashion, luxury cars, and big houses which was influenced by my social environment. And since I've been conditioned to believe that large sums of money were only made by becoming a lawyer, I pivoted yet again to pursue this false desire. What I didn’t realize then was that with each dream I placed aside, I was also putting away a little bit of who I was/am.
My Third Dream- A Krump Dancer
I left my art dream back in middle school but a new aspiration came to me which was to become a professional Krump dancer. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I began having an interest in dance and just like drawing, dancing has a tremendous positive impact on my mental well-being. For example, before getting into dance, my brother and I, along with our relatives, would get into many fights and brawls. I also spent a good amount of my 9th grade skipping classes I had no interest in or left school to go to morning house parties and getting suspended. When I started to dance, however, I stopped fighting because I was too busy rehearsing and I made more efforts not to miss school because I wanted to go to a good university to pursue my dancing career.
When I became a sophomore, my older brother had dropped out of high school and left for Atlanta to pursue his own dreams while I stood in Rhode Island. So I started to hang with my highschool friends almost every day to avoid feeling alone. I mainly hung out with Cheavinn and Richard and they happened to be great Krumpers and introduced me to the high-intensity dance style. I initially didn’t like the style of Krump because it looked too aggressive and the movements seemed uncontrolled. Still, I would watch them rehearse and support them at shows to keep myself entertained. Eventually, I was constantly around dancers.
Since I initially didn't like Krump, I tried popping mainly because I was impressed by the movement. When poppers moved, they moved like the flow of water and that really attracted me to the style.
However, after a couple of months of watching Chev and Richard Krumping while I got better at popping, I decided to just give Krump a try. I fused Krump’s aggressive style with the flow of popping. It wasn’t even a full two weeks of my training when Chev and Richard peer pressured me into my first Krump battle! In retrospect, I'm happy they did because my then-opponent became one of my closest friends today. Even though I was nervous about the battle, I reluctantly agreed to do it under the conditions that the battle be held at my house with just the four of us present. I won the battle and that gave me the confidence to continue.
After that, I began learning the history of Krump and learned that the dance movement was heavily influenced by Christianity, if fact Krump was an acronym-- Kingdom Radically Uplifted Mighty Praise. The more I got into dance the less trouble I'd get into. Krumping was brought me new friends were practiced Christianity. I was influenced by these new friends and eventually, I started to go to church with these them and even began preaching Christianity at school, at high-poverty cities, and just about anywhere I went.
Church, Krumping, and being with friends became my life, but Krump was at the epicenter of it all. I'd spend 4 to 5 hours everyday labbing (or Krump practice). I eventually obtained a mastery where I felt confident in the craft and began performing at schools, big church events, and competing at state-wide dance competitions. I really enjoyed performing because the energy and cheers I received from the audience were intoxicating.
I took dance seriously from 2008-2012. By this time, I was already winning regional competitions and was being paid to travel out to teach Krump outside my state. I was also mentoring over 10 dancers and was even a Christian teacher to some. Not only would I dance to entertain, but I also wanted to use Krump as a tool for ministry to offer the youth an alternative life-style than street life in the same way it did for me.
When I reached that dance master level, I was also graduated high school and transitioned over to the Community College of Rhode Island (CCRI). Naturally, I took all of the dance classes they offered and learned different dance styles such as Jazz, Ballet, and Contemporary---contemporary was my favorite and I heavily incorporated it into my dance style.
As I progressed at CCRI, I began thinking about which four-year institution I wanted to transfer to and decided on the University of Rhode Island instead because of the cheaper cost. By then I was already in my early 20’s and the main financial supporter at home, so money was a real concern for me-- and unfortunately, dancing was not paying the bills. So once again, I allowed fear to slip in and quiet that dream in order to pursue a degree that would earn me money.
My Lessons
My experiences of allowing fear in my life and giving it enough strength to destroy my dreams taught me many valuable lessons. First, I learned how to recognize how fear operates and manifests itself in my life. In my case specifically, fear justified itself under the survivability mindset I had. This mindset was created by my upbringing in poor neighborhoods where access to health care, good schools, and mentors was limited while crime rates skyrocketed high. All I grew up knowing is that I must survive and to me, that meant escaping my social environment without a criminal record. And in order to do this, I was conditioned to believe that only large sums of money can get me out and so I pursued money to survive.
Secondly, I learned that in order for dreams to survive I must be confident. Growing up, I was not taught the importance of confidence. I was bullied and made fun of at a younger age and none of my ideas were encouraged so I had to personal power to stick up for my own dreams because I believed they were not good enough for others when in reality It should have just been about what I wanted.
Lastly, I learned that allowing others to define what for success was for me detrimental to my mental health and happiness. Becoming a lawyer was never my initial dream, it was my parents. Still, I allowed those dreams to trump mine because I thought it was my only escape out of poverty, and as adults, they knew the answer. But what I realized was that for many years I pursued the wrong objectives which contributed to my unhappiness, stress, and anxiety.
I am 28 years old now and I am just now beginning to define what success and happiness mean to me. Fortunately, this process of self-discovery is making me the happiest.
Comments